Eid-al-Wha?

By Alison Royer

OMG…I am freaking out.  Do you guys know what Eid al-Adha is?  It's literally a blood-bath.  First of all, it is also known as the Feast of the Sacrifice…FEAST OF THE SACRIFICE?!  Good lord – I mean…I'm not totally sure how Muslims became tagged with negative and violent stereotypes but it might have something to do with the fact that they celebrate Abraham SACRIFICING HIS FIRST SON, Ishmael!  Now granted God intervened in the final moment and Ishmael totally lived but I feel like this is sending a mixed message.  While Muslims around the world celebrate this weirdo holiday by sacrificing animals in the name of God, I'd like to remind everyone of a long-forgotten tradition called birthdays.  

Why not just celebrate the birth of a man who may or may not be the son of God and who was born to a woman who may or may not have been a virgin?!  As far as reasonableness goes, I consider this to be the benchmark.  Instead of stoning pillars, we fight to the death over Tickle Me Elmos – like the civilized culture that we are.

In Saudi: Female Lawyers, Maybe- Drivers, Hello NO!

By Alison Royer

Around 300 women in Saudi Arabia are looking forward to the passing of a law that would actually allow them to become practicing attorneys.

This would be great but let's just review the facts: women in Saudi Arabia are required to have a male guardian at all times, they do not have voting rights, they are prohibited from driving.  Is this making sense?  Does it seem like the fine people of Saudi Arabia are going to grant these women rights to practice law anytime soon?  I'm not saying it's totally impossible or anything but in 2007 a father in Saudi Arabia killed his daughter for chatting with a man on Facebook soooo….

Keep fighting the good fight ladies!  If it doesn't work out you can always move to America, go to law school, adopt an out-of-control drinking problem, fail the bar several times and then become President.  Hooray!  America! 

Look there's FUN in Fundamentalist!

By Alison Royer

I just wanted to take a minute to remind everyone that this website is all in good fun.  Seriously, we are a respecter of all nationalities and religions.  I know we joke a lot about how Muslims are going to murder everyone at any moment but I assure you, we have nothing to worry about.

Modern Western Barbarism of Faggotry

                                                                                                                                    By Alison Royer

“Are we supposed to adopt other cultures as our own lifestyle? Do we expect us to legalize the “modern Western Barbarism” of faggotry?”

Mr. Ali Larijani, the Iranian speaker of parliament, is real pissed about the gays.  Under fire by the U.N. for Iran’s poor human rights, Larijani goes on:

“According to the United Nation's principles, isn't the UN supposed to respect all cultures? The people of Iran are proud to follow the teachings of Prophet Mohammad.”

First of all Larijani, “Do we expect us” isn’t a thing.  We don’t know what you expect you to do.  We would prefer it if you got on board with this CRAZY western idea of human rights.  It’s called equality.  We’re having a hard enough time with it in America so I can understand why it confuses you – with your mountain dwelling and all. 

Also, a note about “barbarism”: Here’s a list of things they do to sway from barbarism in Iran –

1.         Fire bombings of newspaper offices

2.         Torture, rape and killing of detained protestors

3.         Execution of thousands of political prisoners

4.         Beatings and killings of dissidents and other civilians

5.         Harsh punishment for victimless crimes

As usual, Iran is setting a good example for us all.  Mohammad would be so proud.

The confused non-muslim speaks...

By Alison Royer

What the hell is Islam?  Is it bigger than a bread box?  Is it a country?  Is it attacking America as we speak?  All valid questions.  I jumped into the Google machine to see what I could come up with.  Turns out Islam is a religion.  If you adhere to Islam, you're a Muslim.  We all know how confused I was about that situation.

Apparently, the people of Islam believe that there's a God and they call this dude Allah.  They believe that Allah gave the 411 to Muhammad by way of the archangel Gabriel and then somehow a book was written – The Qur'an. 

This all struck me as very familiar so I did some more research.  I started to think maybe I was a Muslim only to realize Christianity is eerily similar to Islamic religion.  As it turns out, Christians believe that God had a son named Jesus and that Jesus was born to a virgin named Mary.  Turns out an angel named Gabriel gave the 411 to Mary, letting her know she was knocked up.  And guess what else?  They wrote a book about it – the Bible.

Jews believe in God.  They believe that God sent a message to Moses and that Moses…wrote a book.  Technically Moses also wrote the bible but the Jews believe the new testament is a bag of lies so in Jewish religion the book is called The Torah.  Tricky, tricky….Oh God…maybe I'm Jewish?

Listen, it's clear that all of these religions are vastly different and we should definitely fight to the death over all their trivialities.  Carry on world….

When bad things happen, they are Al-Qaeda's fault!

By Alison Royer

Iran schoolgirls killed in bus crash  "At least 24 schoolgirls and two other people have been killed after a passenger bus overturned in southwestern Iran, officials said.Mohammad Reza Mehmandar, a senior police official, said that the bus crashed into a valley in Khuzestan province on Friday after the driver lost control of the vehicle while travelling at high speed in rainy weather. Mehmandar also said that 19 others were injured in the accident. They were rushed to hospitals for treatment. The accident took place on the Izeh-Lordegan road, about 500km southwest of the capital Tehran. Iran has one of the world's worst traffic safety records, with more than 400,000 accidents and about 20,000 deaths on its roads every year. The high death tolls are blamed on high speed, unsafe vehicles, widespread disregard of traffic laws, and inadequate emergency services". OH THE INSANITY!  When will these thoughtless terrorist acts end?!  24 school girls have died!  When will enough be enough?!  These were innocent children!  They are unnecessary victims of Al-Qaeda's mad reign of power!  Let them live!  The Muslims are taking over!  Run for your lives!  They spare no man!  Even these sweet schoolchildren are at risk.  These 24 adorable girls who were blameless other than wanting to receive an education have died for nothing.  24 angelic voices were silenced when their bus was overturned.  Overturned by what you say?!  By a driver, mad with power that was travelling at high speeds in rainy weather!  A driver who is heavily linked…wait, hold on…I know it's in here somewhere.  Al-Qaeda!  Those insane terrorists don't want you to believe it but…I know it says it in here somewhere.  This bus was driving in Iran!  We all know Iran is swimming with violent terror!  And this bus was no exception…as you can see from the article…damnit…wait a minute.  Ok shit.  Upon further investigation this seems to merely be 24 deaths as a result of a car accident…Ok so technically it wasn't actually related to Al-Qaeda…or terrorism for that matter…but they were driving in Iran, which means the driver must be Persian, which means he's probably Muslim, which means he is most definitely A TERRORIST!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Signs of Apocalypse: Women Driving in Saudi Arabia

By Alison Royer

According to Gulf News.com, "The reports that a woman was seen driving a car with her father sitting next to her are true," "Sa’ad Saleh Tarrad, media spokesman for Al Baha police said." '"However, the investigation concluded that the father felt ill and could not drive, so he asked his daughter to drive the car. Both the man and his daughter were released immediately after they were questioned and there was no arrest," "he said, quoted by Al Madina daily on Wednesday." 

Phew…for a minute there I thought a woman was driving.  I was terrified.  I'm beyond relieved to hear that she was with her sick father.  I'm not sure if he made the most responsible decision and if having a woman drive was really his only option. It's nice to know authorities noticed it and tried to amend the situation.  If women are allowed to drive cars, what’s next?  Education?  Birth control?  Pants?  It's more than my heart can bear.  As we all know, a woman's place is beside her husband or father.  Once a woman starts to make her own decisions or act out of turn, there's no saying what could spiral out of control from there.  Can you imagine having a woman as a boss?  Or a woman judge?!  It's deplorable and I want to thank the Al Baha police for doing their jobs.  Women drivers?  Terrifying.  I will not stand for it.  Good work Saudi Arabia.  We support you.

Bangladouche!

By Alison Royer

Let's recap: Bangledeshi man, Quazi Mohammad Rezwanul Ahsan Nafis, comes to U.S. on student visa.  He then attempts to orchestrate terrorist cell but instead accidentally aligns himself with F.B.I. cohorts.  Nafis has grand fantasies of murdering President Barack Obama yet settles for Federal Reserve Bank of New York.  After Mohammad (this guy has like five names and I intend to use each and every one of them) abandoned the idea of a suicide bombing because of a few loose ends he needed to tie up in Bangladesh, he set out to detonate the Reserve from a local hotel room, only to realize the entire operation was a ruse and he was under arrest.

Wowsers.  I thought my study abroad program was challenging but this guy really got the shit kicked out of him.  To be fair, it serves him right.  For starters, if you're planning a terrorist attack and find that Mohammad is anywhere in your name and that your last name is a mere letter away from the word Nazi…you may wanna think about changing it up.  Paul Smith maybe?  Furthermore, it serves Ahsan right for not showing the initiative of other terrorists who actually have the gonads to take themselves out.  Apparently Rezwanul wanted to get his affairs in order first.  I assume that meant laundry and grocery shopping.  Clearly the Bangladouche fucked the monkey in a major way which is a shame seeing as he had just reached the legal drinking age further proving my point that binge drinking is the solution to terrorism. 

This guy could be balls deep in a fish bowl right now instead of balls deep in his hairy cellmate from Queens, behind a trash can, in a New York prison.  You blew it Quazi…get ready for some balls in your mouth.

Bend Over Saudi, Ikea wants to kiss it!

By Alison Royer

Ikea, the popular Swedish retail store, is under fire for removing pictures of women in the Saudi Arabian version of its catalog.  As opposed to creating an entirely new catalog, Ikea simply removed images of women in an attempt to cater to Saudi Arabian ideals.

The ideals where women don't brush their teeth?  I don't get it.  The removals are fairly benign.  Ultimately, Ikea is perpetuating the belief that women should neither be seen nor heard.  I suppose it was too burdensome to do a new photo-shoot where all the women were dressed in burkas.  Way to go Ikea.  I thought maybe you hated women but it's clear you just wish they didn't exist.  You can bet your ass I won't be buying any more Svelviks.

Old Men loving Little Girls...also known as Pedophilia!

When girls as young as 15 years old are forced to marry older men it usually is the perfect recipe for disaster. This theory is now proven according to the Palestinian Central Bureau of Statistics, a total of 22.2 per cent of women who tied the knot during 2011 were 15 years old or younger in Palestine.

Disturbing much? In this day and age when children should just be allowed to be children, young girls are forced to become women and take care of families when they are just children themselves.

This is like the straight version of Jerry Sandusky (convicted of pedophilia, Penn State coach) lusting after young girls and being legally allowed to do so. Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. What are they gonna do next, force girls to get married when they are newborns? This act is simply barbaric and straight from the 5th century mindset.

Wake up and smell the 21st century insane extremist mentality! If you let your daughters study, properly live out their childhood and grow up to be intelligent/strong women only then can your society beat poverty and violence. Until then the image above is your transportation to get around town.

Little girls make the Taliban wet their beds...

I'm sure you've heard of this already but in case you haven't a 14 year old Pakistani girl, Malala Yousufzai, who won a National Peace Prize and spoke up against the Taliban was shot in the neck and head on Tuesday. She's still in ICU and I pray to God for her speedy recovery. This girl is my hero! She had the courage and ambition to speak up against the Taliban when no one had the nerve to do so. She makes me proud to be a Pakistani.

The Taliban are indeed scared of little girls getting educated...darkness fears light. If there was ever a time for the Pakistani government and international community to take action against these cave men..its NOW. Just in the past two days she has become a global hero and it's well deserved. The Pakistani government has once again failed one of it's most prized citizens while the Taliban wows to take her life if she survives.

This is an open letter to the Taliban: Hurting little girls because they want to be educated, fearing progress of any form or shape and not offering an alternative to a corrupt government does not leave you with much favoritism. However, you have pissed me off and many like me around the world and you must pay for your sins by either blowing yourself up in your cave or joining the rest of the civilized world and doing something better for humanity.

P.S. YOU SUCK!

Malala, keep on fighting the good fight sis! Peace.

You don't like us...We Kill You!

What do you call an 11 year old girl living in the Swat valley of Pakistan writing against the Taliban while living under their brutal regime? A Heroine! Malala Yousafzai, now 14 years old was nominated for the International Children's Peace Prize and sadly became the target of the Taliban as they added her to their hit list. Today she was shot in the neck and head!

This brave little girl along with two others is fighting for her life. I pray for all of them and their speedy recovery.

The douchebag Taliban had this to say as their reason for attacking this little girl: "We wanted to kill her as she was pro-West, she was speaking against Taliban and more important she was calling President Obama as her ideal. She was young but was promoting a Western culture in the Pakhtun populated areas." Nice! Next time I don't like what someone has to say, I'm just gonna beat them up or better yet bust a cap in their ass!

The general intolerance of another opinion and the intense fear of losing power while hiding behind the veil of tradition, religion and culture is what cowards do best! If one Malala falls,  50 more will rise. The youth of Pakistan is under attack, progressive way of thinking is under attack but what the Taliban and ALL Muslim extremists do no understand is that they are out-numbered. Haven't you heard of Arab Spring? It's the domino effect and you can't stop it. It's coming for ya so hide your goats and stop touching little boys because shit is gonna hit the fan...Taliass!

The brown Captain Hook!

Abu Hamza aka the brown Captain Hook is en route to US. He only has one eye and a hook for a hand because he's cool like that. He was arrested by the UK Police on terrorism related charges in 2004 and has been stalling the legal system to prevent him from getting extradited to the US. Well, you can't escape the justice system no more! This guy tried setting up a terrorist training camp on American soil..did he not learn anything from Wesley Snipes? 

I personally think he's a secret fan of Halloween...since he never has to go costume shopping! Welcome to the US Brown Captain Hook...hold on with your hook, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Do It Yourself Weapons by Syrian Rebels...a New Reality TV show on Bravo!

By Alison Royer

Good lord.  This is just another indication that Americans are beyond lazy.  While the Syrian rebels are making their own weapons now, angry American kids are still fake protesting by sleeping in tents at night, racing home to their apartments to catch Modern Family, showering, cashing the check their parents sent them, tweeting about their insistence on occupying things and then racing back to the soup line where they demand only vegan options.  Man, we are the worst. 

  

Ahmedinanutjob!

By Alison Royer

I just wanna focus on Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for a minute.  I basically love him.

Ahmadinejad Quote: "In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We don’t have that in our country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you that we have it."

Fun Fact!  Iran has between 15,000 and 20,000 transsexuals, according to official statistics, although unofficial estimates put the figure at up to 150,000.  Maybe the transsexuals aren't gay?!  That must be it because I'm pretty sure Mahmoud wouldn't lie to me.

Ahmadinejad Quote: "In Iran I think nobody loses their job because of making a statement that reflects their opinion. From this point of view, conditions in Iran are far better than in many other places in the world."

Fun Fact! They recently blocked Google in Iran.  Google!  If I didn't have access to Google, I'd probably think my conditions were pretty great too. 

Ahmadinejad Quote: "For this reason, the expansion of relations with all countries is on the agenda of the Islamic Republic of Iran. I mean balanced relationships, based on mutual respect and observation of each other's rights."

Fun Fact!  Iran has severed all diplomatic and commercial ties with Israel, and its government does not recognize Israel as a country and refers to its government as the "Zionist regime." 

Oh Iran…you tricky bastard.

When Iranian morons fall for American clowns..it's a match made in heaven!

By Alison Royer

We usually have a lot to say about things, but today is not that day. Oh Iran…you silly minx.

Bad Parenting...Abu Dhabi style!

By Alison Royer

When I read this story, I was horrified.  The piece reveals how a mentally-challenged boy was basically held captive by his barbarian father in Abu Dhabi.  As I continued reading, it occurred to me, "He's not mentally-challenged!  That mother fucker is starving!"

Of course if this kid is mentally-challenged it makes the story all the worse.  But realistically he was relegated to a make-shift prison, starved, refused a toilet, and left alone for days at a time.  I have a pizza that probably won't get here for another 30 minutes and honestly, if anyone comes to my door sans pizza prior to that, I may not react as sanely as I'd like myself to be otherwise regarded.  I’m just sayin' we maybe need to get a chromosome check before we go slappin people with mental disorders.

Ugh…I'm starving.