Eid-al-Wha?

By Alison Royer

OMG…I am freaking out.  Do you guys know what Eid al-Adha is?  It's literally a blood-bath.  First of all, it is also known as the Feast of the Sacrifice…FEAST OF THE SACRIFICE?!  Good lord – I mean…I'm not totally sure how Muslims became tagged with negative and violent stereotypes but it might have something to do with the fact that they celebrate Abraham SACRIFICING HIS FIRST SON, Ishmael!  Now granted God intervened in the final moment and Ishmael totally lived but I feel like this is sending a mixed message.  While Muslims around the world celebrate this weirdo holiday by sacrificing animals in the name of God, I'd like to remind everyone of a long-forgotten tradition called birthdays.  

Why not just celebrate the birth of a man who may or may not be the son of God and who was born to a woman who may or may not have been a virgin?!  As far as reasonableness goes, I consider this to be the benchmark.  Instead of stoning pillars, we fight to the death over Tickle Me Elmos – like the civilized culture that we are.

In Saudi: Female Lawyers, Maybe- Drivers, Hello NO!

By Alison Royer

Around 300 women in Saudi Arabia are looking forward to the passing of a law that would actually allow them to become practicing attorneys.

This would be great but let's just review the facts: women in Saudi Arabia are required to have a male guardian at all times, they do not have voting rights, they are prohibited from driving.  Is this making sense?  Does it seem like the fine people of Saudi Arabia are going to grant these women rights to practice law anytime soon?  I'm not saying it's totally impossible or anything but in 2007 a father in Saudi Arabia killed his daughter for chatting with a man on Facebook soooo….

Keep fighting the good fight ladies!  If it doesn't work out you can always move to America, go to law school, adopt an out-of-control drinking problem, fail the bar several times and then become President.  Hooray!  America! 

Look there's FUN in Fundamentalist!

By Alison Royer

I just wanted to take a minute to remind everyone that this website is all in good fun.  Seriously, we are a respecter of all nationalities and religions.  I know we joke a lot about how Muslims are going to murder everyone at any moment but I assure you, we have nothing to worry about.

Modern Western Barbarism of Faggotry

                                                                                                                                    By Alison Royer

“Are we supposed to adopt other cultures as our own lifestyle? Do we expect us to legalize the “modern Western Barbarism” of faggotry?”

Mr. Ali Larijani, the Iranian speaker of parliament, is real pissed about the gays.  Under fire by the U.N. for Iran’s poor human rights, Larijani goes on:

“According to the United Nation's principles, isn't the UN supposed to respect all cultures? The people of Iran are proud to follow the teachings of Prophet Mohammad.”

First of all Larijani, “Do we expect us” isn’t a thing.  We don’t know what you expect you to do.  We would prefer it if you got on board with this CRAZY western idea of human rights.  It’s called equality.  We’re having a hard enough time with it in America so I can understand why it confuses you – with your mountain dwelling and all. 

Also, a note about “barbarism”: Here’s a list of things they do to sway from barbarism in Iran –

1.         Fire bombings of newspaper offices

2.         Torture, rape and killing of detained protestors

3.         Execution of thousands of political prisoners

4.         Beatings and killings of dissidents and other civilians

5.         Harsh punishment for victimless crimes

As usual, Iran is setting a good example for us all.  Mohammad would be so proud.

The confused non-muslim speaks...

By Alison Royer

What the hell is Islam?  Is it bigger than a bread box?  Is it a country?  Is it attacking America as we speak?  All valid questions.  I jumped into the Google machine to see what I could come up with.  Turns out Islam is a religion.  If you adhere to Islam, you're a Muslim.  We all know how confused I was about that situation.

Apparently, the people of Islam believe that there's a God and they call this dude Allah.  They believe that Allah gave the 411 to Muhammad by way of the archangel Gabriel and then somehow a book was written – The Qur'an. 

This all struck me as very familiar so I did some more research.  I started to think maybe I was a Muslim only to realize Christianity is eerily similar to Islamic religion.  As it turns out, Christians believe that God had a son named Jesus and that Jesus was born to a virgin named Mary.  Turns out an angel named Gabriel gave the 411 to Mary, letting her know she was knocked up.  And guess what else?  They wrote a book about it – the Bible.

Jews believe in God.  They believe that God sent a message to Moses and that Moses…wrote a book.  Technically Moses also wrote the bible but the Jews believe the new testament is a bag of lies so in Jewish religion the book is called The Torah.  Tricky, tricky….Oh God…maybe I'm Jewish?

Listen, it's clear that all of these religions are vastly different and we should definitely fight to the death over all their trivialities.  Carry on world….

When bad things happen, they are Al-Qaeda's fault!

By Alison Royer

Iran schoolgirls killed in bus crash  "At least 24 schoolgirls and two other people have been killed after a passenger bus overturned in southwestern Iran, officials said.Mohammad Reza Mehmandar, a senior police official, said that the bus crashed into a valley in Khuzestan province on Friday after the driver lost control of the vehicle while travelling at high speed in rainy weather. Mehmandar also said that 19 others were injured in the accident. They were rushed to hospitals for treatment. The accident took place on the Izeh-Lordegan road, about 500km southwest of the capital Tehran. Iran has one of the world's worst traffic safety records, with more than 400,000 accidents and about 20,000 deaths on its roads every year. The high death tolls are blamed on high speed, unsafe vehicles, widespread disregard of traffic laws, and inadequate emergency services". OH THE INSANITY!  When will these thoughtless terrorist acts end?!  24 school girls have died!  When will enough be enough?!  These were innocent children!  They are unnecessary victims of Al-Qaeda's mad reign of power!  Let them live!  The Muslims are taking over!  Run for your lives!  They spare no man!  Even these sweet schoolchildren are at risk.  These 24 adorable girls who were blameless other than wanting to receive an education have died for nothing.  24 angelic voices were silenced when their bus was overturned.  Overturned by what you say?!  By a driver, mad with power that was travelling at high speeds in rainy weather!  A driver who is heavily linked…wait, hold on…I know it's in here somewhere.  Al-Qaeda!  Those insane terrorists don't want you to believe it but…I know it says it in here somewhere.  This bus was driving in Iran!  We all know Iran is swimming with violent terror!  And this bus was no exception…as you can see from the article…damnit…wait a minute.  Ok shit.  Upon further investigation this seems to merely be 24 deaths as a result of a car accident…Ok so technically it wasn't actually related to Al-Qaeda…or terrorism for that matter…but they were driving in Iran, which means the driver must be Persian, which means he's probably Muslim, which means he is most definitely A TERRORIST!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Signs of Apocalypse: Women Driving in Saudi Arabia

By Alison Royer

According to Gulf News.com, "The reports that a woman was seen driving a car with her father sitting next to her are true," "Sa’ad Saleh Tarrad, media spokesman for Al Baha police said." '"However, the investigation concluded that the father felt ill and could not drive, so he asked his daughter to drive the car. Both the man and his daughter were released immediately after they were questioned and there was no arrest," "he said, quoted by Al Madina daily on Wednesday." 

Phew…for a minute there I thought a woman was driving.  I was terrified.  I'm beyond relieved to hear that she was with her sick father.  I'm not sure if he made the most responsible decision and if having a woman drive was really his only option. It's nice to know authorities noticed it and tried to amend the situation.  If women are allowed to drive cars, what’s next?  Education?  Birth control?  Pants?  It's more than my heart can bear.  As we all know, a woman's place is beside her husband or father.  Once a woman starts to make her own decisions or act out of turn, there's no saying what could spiral out of control from there.  Can you imagine having a woman as a boss?  Or a woman judge?!  It's deplorable and I want to thank the Al Baha police for doing their jobs.  Women drivers?  Terrifying.  I will not stand for it.  Good work Saudi Arabia.  We support you.