Kim Kardashian breastfeeds Bahrainians!

 By Romulus Marshall

Oh Lordy! Kim Kardashian is at it again!  Not only is she lighting up the gossip pages here in America, but she has indeed gone global and the woman best known for being a talentless amateur sex tape star (a squirrel has more skill than her) took her mother's entrepreneurial endeavors to the Kingdom of Bahrain in the Middle East.  Upon her arrival to open up, of all things, a Milkshake stand (some jokes just make themselves up).  Hundreds of hardline Muslim Salafists protested her arrival as “an actress with an extremely bad reputation” (really - that’s the best they can come up with??  I wonder what they call Jenna Jameson - an actress of poor judgement in film selection??) and they presented a motion to the Bahraini Parliament to block her visit.

Let’s take a step back and really take a look at this...so her immoral ass (no pun intended) shows up to sell milkshakes (again - no pun intended) to the thousands of people, some who paid almost $1,500 for a ticket - and you want to go protest.  Wait...it just hit me! I see what’s going on here!!! Those salafist cheapskates just wanted to catch a glimpse for free!!! Mofo’s were not about to drop $1,500 to take a look, but too bad they will have to shell out for a milkshake...We should all know by now that Kim K don’t give nothin’ away for free! ESPECIALLY her milkshake!!

Muslims and Jews have DICK in common!

 

 

 By Romulus Marshall

In a landmark ruling, the German government passed a law that allows Jewish and Muslim Germans to circumcise their children as a religiously protected act.  Throughout history, it’s safe to say that Muslims and Jews weren’t always BFF’s...They’ve always beach at each other’s throats - terrorizing each other over some disagreements that happened over a thousand years ago and continue to etch hatred into each and every one of their generation to keep the cycle going.

So of all things...they manage to agree on one thing...circumcision?!?!?! Let me get this straight...if I were to say Muslims and Jews have dick in common...I would be both literally and figuratively correct...who would have thought???

The Afghani Dragon!

Enter the dragon:

By Romulus Marshall

Just last week, I brought up a lesson in Muslim Female Cop Badassery - and this is EXACTLY why we need some badass female cops up in the Muslim world!!!  So this one woman named Friba AKA “The Dragon” is an officer on the Afghan National Police (ANP) and is basically a one-woman Super Cop who even puts Dirty Harry to shame.  In a world where her other female colleagues get sexually abused by their ass backwards stone-age male counterparts, she not only defends herself from said neanderthals, she also kicks ass on the streets of Kabul.  

More Fribas who not only stand up for themselves, but bring a can of whup-ass to the party.  I don’t get one thing - these are the same dudes who hide behind their “Islam” and then rape and torture women who are trying to make their country better.  Can’t get much more cowardly or hypocritical than that - so come on Hamid Karzai, wake the fuck up and stop taking credit for building a female police force, because you didn’t do jack shit - but Friba “The Dragon”, one badass cop rolling the streets of Kabul, did.

Muslim Female Cop Badassery

By Romulus Marshall

Well well…lookie what we have here – Pakistani Commandettes?!?!?  I applaud the effort, really, I do, of anyone who joins the police…but…WTF Pakistan?!?!?!  You can’t send the PoPo (men or women) out who train wearing heels and BBQ gloves!!!  Fashion statements aside, I give these girls a shit ton of credit for even making an attempt at doing what they’re doing, but you got to give them some real training with real shit to do - not sure what scaling a wall with heeled boots and oversized BBQ gloves really does as a police training exercise.  They should get some AK 47’s and crowd control duty or give them some MMA training and let them practice their kickboxing on acid attackers. I’m not saying go out and enlist Jihad Jane or a female Pakistani Chuck Norris (ok maybe that would be pretty badass), but Suraya Aunty just isn’t cutting it anymore. Pakistan – get yourself some down-right badass women cops and half your problems will be solved!  So here is a quick lesson in Muslim Female Cop Badassery:

I bet you the badass cop could smash those bricks with a half-hearted fart!!  I’m just sayin… Pakistani PoPo gets props for including women, but let’s give these ladies some REAL tasks!

Iranian Youtube? More like BoobTube!

By Romulus Marshall

Umm… HAHAHAHAHA …AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – sorry, I can’t help myself.  So Iran decided to jump into the Hi-Tech Startup arena by launching a home grown competitor to Google’s YouTube.  No, this is not The Onion nor is this some elaborate April fool’s joke.

The site, called “Mehr.ir”     (“Mehr” means affection in Farsi), will allow users to upload their short videos (after being fully screened and approved by state appointed officials, of course) and allow them to access state-run channels with original content. I can only guess that original content includes Martha Stewart Baking recipes and Toby Keith classics followed by the Gay & Lesbian Hour hosted by Salman Rushdie, but that’s just a guess. As much as I’d love to see an endless array of videos starring Ahmadinejad talking about his gay-free country, I’d rather take my chances with stupid cat clips, bum fights, nip slips, and poorly dubbed music videos any day of the week! 

In case you are keeping score – Iran just tried to one-up free speech.  So basically anything with regards to free speech is illegal in Iran… having access to unfiltered internet – illegal!  Listening to music not approved by the government – illegal!!  Breathing – allowed for now, but will soon be illegal if it’s deemed to be influenced by the West.

To top it all off, they are calling it the one thing that the Iranian government is LEAST known for – affection!  I get the PR aspect of it, call it something nice and fuzzy and everyone will fall in love with it, but it’s kind of like taking a red velvet cupcake away and replacing it with a fistful of sand and camel turds – not quite the same thing.  

Introducing: Romulus Marshall!

By Romulus Marshall

We at Muslimsdoitbetter.com would like to introduce you to our newest blogger, Romulus Marshall. You'll laugh, you'll cry, it's like eating a pie.

Read it, Love it, Share it! Enjoy!

Authorities located 4 legs and various “other body parts” of two conspirators who were in the midst of planting a bomb near a checkpoint.   Not surprisingly, missing from the various “other body parts” were a pair of brains.  As serious as the situation in Pakistan is, there is a copious amount of irony in this situation, and here at Muslimsdoitbetter  –  that always begs further dissection. 

  

Now I understand it’s hard to find good help these days, but hell, even McDonald’s trains its employees on how to handle hot coffee.  You’d think that a terrorist group planning all these intricate attacks can muster up some sort of detonation manual or training program for its members, or at least have some basic minimum qualifications, but it seems like the only requirement is “desire to blow shit up”.   This seems to be a common theme amongst terrorists – attracting members whose IQ is in stiff competition with the IQ of a potato and who subscribe to the generally flawed ideals of “Death to the West”, “Universal Sharia Law”, “Repeal Gender Equality”, and my favorite (channeling some serious Braveheart here) “OPPRESSIOOONNN!!!!!”  Yes, those same members who are out there running around with angry faces and scary beards yelling strange words in foreign languages with odd combinations of regional ethnic wear fashioned with off-color military fatigues and sandals holding unnecessarily large assault rifles who like to terrorize everyone else every chance they get in the name of Islam. 

Too all you silly terrorists out there - you seriously need to do EVERYONE a favor and just STOP.  Do something you might be good at.  Like what you say?  How about Fashion Design so you can get your buddies some cool threads!  Perhaps even Video Games - you can start a Call of Duty club (you’ll love that shit!) Or if you really want to just keep blowing yourselves up you can be a Landmine Locator – I hear the worker’s comp program sucks, but the adrenaline rush is to die for!!!  All I’m saying is that you should just cut your losses and find some other shit to do before it blows up in your face...  

Paris Hilton: Ho for Sho!

By Alison Royer

Oh Paris Hilton…I love you! U a ho for sho and most definitely knows how to blow! 

DAMN IT QATAR I TRUSTED YOU!!!

Safe Driving in Qatar!                                                                                                By Alison Royer

"A Qatari poet, who has been sentenced to life for comments said to be critical of the Qatari leadership, will take his case to an appeal court, his lawyer Najeeb al-Naimi has said."

C'mon man.  I thought we were cool Qatar.  You were all, "We're the mediator in the Middle East.  We're not like other countries.  We care about freedom and equality."  It's a bag of lies Qatar!  Watch your back Qatar.  I've got my eye on you.  

You Stache, I Stache, We all Stache for Mustache!

By Alison Royer

Movember may be over for America but in the Middle East, the celebration continues.  Gazillions of men, in that region, are going under the knife for mustache implants.  The mustache has a long history in the Middle East and denotes power, prestige, and masculinity. 

In America, if you're a man with a mustache we just assume you're a biker, a hipster, or a rapist. 

As usual, we continue to misunderstand each other Middle East.  We must have something in common right?  Where are you on educating women?  No…ok.  How about Nascar?  It's great right?!  Not so much…got it.  Democracy?  No…ok some of you, better than nothin.  Boobs!?  Hooray!  We all love boobs!