OMG...we're all gonna die!

By Alison Royer

Some Extremist Muslim Clerics Say Sandy Was God's Punishment For American Ills.

OMG, we're all gonna die.

Polygamy: Saudi's love that shit!

By Alison Royer

I friggin love Saudi Arabia…

"A Saudi man has married four women from the same school, ranging from a student to headmistress."

The men in Saudi Arabia are brilliant masterminds.  They're all, "Yea, you ladies absolutely deserve the right to an education.  And then I'm gonna come in and marry all your asses."  IT'S AWESOME! 

This arrangement has garnered a lot of attention.  You're probably thinking, "Of course!  Polygamy is gross!" or "Obviously!  Schools should be set up to educate and empower the Saudis, not to create a fishbowl of potential wives!" or "Why can't a woman have 4 husbands but a man can have 4 wives?"  Hilariously, none of these seemed to pose a problem for anyone.  The attention mainly focuses on whether or not the four wives will still be able to act professionally in the school setting.  An online comment read:

"Mashallah God bless you four times... and [bless the] poor student who will be among three teachers both at home and at school."

Ah ha ha…ah ah ha…haaaaa.  God bless you Saudi Arabia.  Your blasé attitude towards women and marriage is adorable.  I'm dying to know what they actually teach at this sham of a school.  I imagine the subjects range from cooking dinner to waiting in line to suck your husband's dick.  God love ya ladies.

Killing in God's House: Non-Allah Approved!

By Alison Royer

"A Kuwaiti father is hoping for a last minute miracle that will save his son from the death penalty."

So here's what happened: A Kuwaiti man, Faleh Al Dhufairi, went with his mother and sister on a pilgrimage (Hajj – don't get me started.  More on that later.), then he got into a scuffle with a Saudi man AND THEN HE PULLED OUT A KNIFE AND STABBED THE SAUDI! 

"The victim died later at the hospital and Faleh was arrested. His mother and sister, under the shock, returned home without performing the much-coveted pilgrimage."

I mean…if it was so "coveted" perhaps we should have all established a rule called, "Hey let's all try super hard not to stab and kill anybody on this trip."  Faleh's father defended his son by saying:

“My son tried his best to avoid the argument and pleaded with the man to stop the disagreement as Muslims are not allowed to get into any verbal dispute or quarrel during the pilgrimage."

Ok…now to me, it doesn't really seem like he "tried his best to avoid the argument" seeing as he STABBED AND KILLED A MAN!  Yeesh.

"The father said that the case would be reviewed by the Saudi Court of Appeals amid hopes that the verdict would be changed."

So is this what all the praying is about?  That seems weird doesn't it?  Your son goes on a pilgrimage in order to fulfill his religious duty, gets into an argument with a stranger, accidentally stabs and kills said stranger and now we're back to God?  This all strikes me as bizarre.  I'm not pretending to be super religious or anything but I'm pretty sure if you want to get in touch with your religion you don't have to go on long pilgrimages or spend all your free time praying.  You merely need to NOT STAB AND MURDER ANYONE!  Ugh…religion is confusing.

Easter Bunny VS Eid!

 By Alison Royer

"Montgomery County’s school board effectively turned down a request Tuesday from leaders of the county’s growing Muslim community to recognize an Islamic holy day next school year with an official day off."

I mean we can't be giving out school days all willy-nilly.  There's still learnin' to do!  Let's see…we've got the 2 weeks to celebrate the birth of Jesus and then the 2 weeks when he came back.  And what about Flag Day?!  Oh now I have to give up Flag Day because the terrorists want an extra day a year to build bombs?!

"At Tuesday’s meeting and afterward, several Muslim leaders called for fairness as they noted Montgomery’s lineup of Jewish and Christian school holidays, including Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, Christmas and Good Friday".

Listen, no one is more upset about the Jews getting to celebrate their "holidays" than we are.  I mean how many New Years do they need?  I submit we revoke the Jewish holidays so that they can feel equal to the Muslims.  In the meantime, I think we should focus on the holidays that matter like Labor Day.

"Their testimony followed several months of effort to push for greater recognition of the Islamic holidays, particularly Eid al-Adha, which falls in mid-October next year and honors the prophet Abraham for his willingness to sacrifice his son for God".

Ugh…creepy.  No.

“I’d like to see them on Christmas Day or Easter or Yom Kippur — how would they feel if their children had to leave their home, the warmth, and go to school?” she asked. “How would they feel if they were in our shoes?”

You mean your bomb shoes?  Probably pretty bad.

“My wife is a Christian, and she assures me that Easter Monday is not a real holiday,” he said. “So if the Montgomery County school system can find a way to justify that, we feel that most certainly closing the schools on Muslim holidays is warranted.”

NOT A REAL HOLIDAY?!  Everyone knows that the Monday after Easter is the day the Easter Bunny stocks up on candy for the following year.  Therefore, we all need to be home with our families in order for the Easter Bunny to have full access to stores.  Geez!  You talk about equality and fairness yet once again the Muslims are trying to strip us of our freedoms.  I refuse to relinquish the special time my family spends together on the infamous Monday after Easter.  And if you even mention Columbus Day…I will slay you.  Happy holidays! 

Revenge of the Goat!

Now I know we have all heard about the stereotype of Middle Eastern/South Asian men and their love for goats (not all of them though) but I bet you had never seen how the goats feel about being objectified into sex objects. Ladies, objectification ain't only for us it's for goats too so that should take some of the pressure off us.

So attention guys: If you think a goat can float your boat....beware it's gonna come for your throat!

The Egyptian Martin Luther King Jr.?

By Alison Royer

This is the best!  In an attempt to thwart the sexual harassment epidemic that has permeated the city of Cairo, a new and radical anti-harassment campaign has been launched and aptly called "Be a Man."  Rebecca Fitzsimons of Vice.com had a chat with campaign leader Muhammad Taimoor and this mother fucker is not messing around.

"Our tactics this time were pretty violent – a lot of people were offended because they didn't like what we were doing. Basically, we attacked the harassers and spray-painted "I Am a Harasser" on anyone we caught in the act. The police weren't at all supportive of what we were trying to do and they clearly weren't ready to keep Egyptian women safe during Eid, so we did all the work on our own."

I'm gonna be honest.  I'm torn.  While I applaud the attempt to combat a situation that the Egyptian police continually ignore, and I'm not trying to get all MLK (Martin Luther King Jr.) on you but I'm not sure if harassment is the best solution to harassment.  Ya dig?  Taimoor goes on,

"Yeah, the non-violent campaigners criticised what we did. They want to work to prevent harassment before it happens, but I don’t know how they would go about doing that. They'd also rather take harassers to the police, but I don't think that would work because it's difficult to convince the girl to go to the police to confirm what happened."

Ugh..it's true.  Time to speak up ladies!  We will support you!  Do they have Destiny's Child in Egypt?  I'm pretty sure that's the solution.

Crazy. Married. Young.

By Alison Royer

DAMN IT WORLD!  It's always greener isn't it?  While I schlep around America trying to trick men into marrying me, these young, impressionable, Saudi girls are getting married off before they've even reached the driving age (well, technically they'll never reach the driving age seeing as women in Saudi Arabia aren't allowed to drive but you get my drift.) 

My point here is that these girls lack freedom in their lives.  They lack even the simplest freedom – choosing the man they're going to marry.  Yet here I sit, freedoms galore, wishing someone could just assign a man to me so that I would no longer have to endure all the work that goes into choosing. 

I'm not sure if I should be grateful for the liberties I receive daily merely by living in America, or if I should be jealous as shit that these bitches married rich.  Ugh…

All In- And it was good by Paula Broadwell!

I have come to admire Gen. Petraeus for his work in Afghanistan and his recent resignation due to an extra marital affair with this biography author, Paula Broadwell. It didn't really come as a shock to me but as an "of course he was gonna bang Paula Broadwell, she's hot and his wife needs a freakin makeover." Although to some folks this may come off as a bit crass or insensitive, it's simply out of love. Let me be clear, his actions are not justified because his wife refuses to go to the gym and wax her upper lip but, if you wanna keep a powerful man interested you gotta blow him once in a while, while wearing a sexy maid's outfit. If you put power and beauty together, it usually makes for some undeniable sexy time...which it did!

When alpha males in power wanna tap hot chicks, it's not a shocker to me. What the General should have done is chosen an old, unattractive man with tons of military knowledge to write his biography in order to prevent him from suckling at the tit of infidelity (pun aggressively intended). They got more drama than TNT......and TNT knows drama.

My favorite character in this Bermuda Love Triangle of doom is Jill Kelley. Not only was she banging an unknown FBI guy who was investigating this very case but she was also banging the successor to Gen. Petraeus and thinking about getting some from the General as well. Now in porn I have heard of women getting DP (double penetration) but this bitch got three of them. She wanted to pack all her holes like Hurricane Sandy was gonna pay her a visit. I think at this point she should just make a sex tape, get a reality TV show, write a book, make millions (that will pull her out of debt) and call it a day.

I don't think the General should have lost his job, however he should have gotten disciplinary action for his behavior.....this isn't the first time the little head has taken down the big head. Remember Bill Clinton..aka Bubba? All in all, these bitches are crazy. And the General is even crazier to bet his entire career on a pussy with muscular arms! In the meantime, how is it that Paula's spouse has nothing to say about any of this?!? Maybe he's a figment of her imagination seeing as she's fuckin insane to be doing this anyway.  Hey Paula!....How did that power feel between your legs? Was it like riding a space rocket? I'm sure your two kids and husband are not loving this right now. Hope it was worth it!

Guns go well with biscuits in Turkey...

By Alison Royer

For the love of God, the poor people of Yemen are DYING of hunger and the fine people of Turkey choose to send them guns…in biscuit boxes!?  This is a slap in the face.

"Citing security sources, the report said the arms had been found in boxes used for biscuits, in a container dispatched from Turkey."

Ugh…fucking Turks.  Did you guys know I'm Armenian?  Not trying to brag or anything but we were the first genocide.

"The impoverished southern Arabian Peninsula nation is already awash with weapons."

Right so what we need ARE BISCUITS!  NO MORE WEAPONS YOU SONS OF BITCHES!  Geez Turkey, must be nice to be named after A FOOD ITEM!  Ugh..Turkey you are the worst.  SEND BISCUITS!  FOR REAL THIS TIME!

Kuwait & Twitter- Lots of water in that oil!

"Kuwait has arrested two members of the Al-Sabah ruling family for tweets deemed critical of the government and supportive of the opposition, a human rights group and a lawyer said on Friday.”

That is disgusting!  Here in America, we don't have royals so much as celebrities and I can assure you that their tweets are wholesome, non-political and overall sensitive.  A few examples:

By Alison Royer

See?!  Obviously people at such high public levels would never criticize our fine democracy and its leaders.

Shame on you Kuwait.                                                                      

Oilwrestling is a sport for straight men...Serious!

In Turkey, there is a supposed "manly" sport where men oil each other first with extra virgin olive oil even assisting each other in oiling each others butts and crotch and then they get down to the dirty business.

Folks who don't know much about wrestling..it's probably the most preferred straight man sport by gay men. The players are falling on top of each other, a lot of 69 positioning, grabbing your opponent's ass from inside the pants and riding on the back of your opponent for domination. You say that's not gay, that's just a sport. Sure....and Advil's not ibuprofen. The best part is that a whole series of DVD's have been released in Europe (the most sexually liberated continent on the planet) about this mouthful sport. Watch to your heart's content!

Mental Giants made in Pakistan.

Now we have a lot of brilliant Pakistani folks in the world (Shahid Khan, owner of Jaguars and your humble blogger) but there are a few special folks in Pakistan that not only provide entertainment but also make us wonder how did they ever make it through life this far.

Watch this....

Talking to a boy may cause death...Serious!

By Alison Royer

I give up….

"A Pakistani couple killed their teenage daughter by pouring acid on her face and body after they caught her talking to a boy, police and a doctor said on Thursday."

Apparently this type of child abuse falls under the "honor killing" category.  An honor killing is when you're allowed to kill your family members for bringing dishonor upon you.  This is gonna come as a shocker but about 99.9% of the victims of honor killings are women.  Honor killings often occur as punishment for a woman being sexually assaulted.  I'm not sure if you got that.  IF A FEMALE IS THE VICTIM OF A SEXUAL ASSAULT, THE BEST IDEA SEVERAL FATHERS THROUGH THE AGES HAVE COME UP WITH IS TO MURDER SAID FEMALE.

Ugh..I fucking hate everyone.  

Rock, Paper, Scissors..OK pick a Pope!

By Alison Royer

This can't be right….

"Egypt's Coptic Christians will learn who is to be their new leader after a blindfolded altar boy, believed to be directed by God, chooses one of three names out of a box."

Whaaaaa?  That's basically Rock, Paper, Scissors.  We're using Rock, Paper, Scissors to elect people now?  Sounds like a solid plan.

"Strict measures are taken to ensure there is no foul play during the entire process, before a large congregation and televised. The three pieces of paper are all the same size, tied up the same way and placed in the box."

Oh good.  See for a second there, I thought maybe you weren't taking this seriously.

"Amid increased fears about the community's future after Mubarak's overthrow, the new pope will be its main contact with Egypt's first Islamist president, Mohamed Morsi."

Right so, to me, it seems like we'd really want to get a handle on who that pope was gonna be right?  Like maybe there could be some sort of voting process?

"blindfolded altar boy"

Uh huh…  I just wonder if perhaps we should try to really just spend the time reviewing each candidate and seeing who's best for…

"pick name out of box"

Sure and I totally understand that this box strategy is important to you and all, I just wonder if it wouldn't be better…

"The three pieces of paper are all the same size."

OHHH!  I didn't get that the first time.  Now THAT sounds like a fair and reasonable election.  Hooray for Egypt!

Qatar Hero!

By Allison Royer

Does anybody know what Qatar is?  Me neither but I am determined to get to the bottom of it because I keep seeing Qatar's saucy little face coming up in the news and I demand answers.

First of all, it turns out that Qatar is a country which I find to be absolutely shocking.  What's more, Forbes named Qatar's happy ass one of the wealthiest countries in the world.  Turns out the whole place is run by the Al-Thani family, and these motherfuckers have been running the joint since 1825.  Guess where they get their money?  Oil…shocking.

After reading this, I was all ready to hate Qatar.  Me = Stupid American.  Oil + Muslim = Bad.  But get this – Qatar spends its time attempting to brand itself as a peaceful and neutral world power!  These Qatarians are hanging on by a thread!  Look where they are!  You think they wanna get eaten back up by Saudi Arabia?!  They're free!  They're happy!  They wanna spread the love!

Qatar, I love you.  You seem nice and I want to get to know you better.  I'm sorry I didn't realize you were a country.  Thank you for letting women in your country vote.  I salute you. 

Folks die at Saudi Wedding...For Reals!

                    By Alison Royer

"At least 25 people have been killed by electric shock in a wedding in eastern Saudi Arabia, civil defense officials and local media say.

Celebratory gunfire brought down an electric cable at a house in Ain Badr village where the wedding was held on Tuesday night, Abdullah Khashman, an Eastern Province official, said."

I'm sorry…"celebratory gunfire?"  Oh, what a travesty.  If only we had had any indication that CELEBRATORY GUNFIRE could backfire is such an unexpected and shocking way. 

Apparently shooting off firearms at weddings is a popular Saudi Arabian tradition as is beating your woman and literally murdering everyone.

Good lord.  Why not take a page from the Americans and spend your weddings like I do – silently judging everyone, drinking to blackout proportions and trying to bang the first groomsman you see.  Jesus Saudis (LOL…it's funny because they frown at Jesus) pull it together.