Ahmedinanutjob!

By Alison Royer

I just wanna focus on Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for a minute.  I basically love him.

Ahmadinejad Quote: "In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We don’t have that in our country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you that we have it."

Fun Fact!  Iran has between 15,000 and 20,000 transsexuals, according to official statistics, although unofficial estimates put the figure at up to 150,000.  Maybe the transsexuals aren't gay?!  That must be it because I'm pretty sure Mahmoud wouldn't lie to me.

Ahmadinejad Quote: "In Iran I think nobody loses their job because of making a statement that reflects their opinion. From this point of view, conditions in Iran are far better than in many other places in the world."

Fun Fact! They recently blocked Google in Iran.  Google!  If I didn't have access to Google, I'd probably think my conditions were pretty great too. 

Ahmadinejad Quote: "For this reason, the expansion of relations with all countries is on the agenda of the Islamic Republic of Iran. I mean balanced relationships, based on mutual respect and observation of each other's rights."

Fun Fact!  Iran has severed all diplomatic and commercial ties with Israel, and its government does not recognize Israel as a country and refers to its government as the "Zionist regime." 

Oh Iran…you tricky bastard.

When Iranian morons fall for American clowns..it's a match made in heaven!

By Alison Royer

We usually have a lot to say about things, but today is not that day. Oh Iran…you silly minx.

Bad Parenting...Abu Dhabi style!

By Alison Royer

When I read this story, I was horrified.  The piece reveals how a mentally-challenged boy was basically held captive by his barbarian father in Abu Dhabi.  As I continued reading, it occurred to me, "He's not mentally-challenged!  That mother fucker is starving!"

Of course if this kid is mentally-challenged it makes the story all the worse.  But realistically he was relegated to a make-shift prison, starved, refused a toilet, and left alone for days at a time.  I have a pizza that probably won't get here for another 30 minutes and honestly, if anyone comes to my door sans pizza prior to that, I may not react as sanely as I'd like myself to be otherwise regarded.  I’m just sayin' we maybe need to get a chromosome check before we go slappin people with mental disorders.

Ugh…I'm starving.

Psychopathic Muslim Mom in Australia!

By Alison Royer

I'm not a parent.  This is likely because a) I have difficulty tricking men into bedding me and b) years of drug and alcohol abuse have rendered my ovaries useless.  That being said, I do feel like I have a better understanding about children than this animal.  

The telegraph reported, "'A mother of a three-year-old boy [was] photographed holding a placard reading 'Behead all those who insult the prophet' during Islamic protests in Sydney."  When questioned about why this woman would bring a toddler to a protest that could potentially end in epic brutality she responded, "'that the child had been brought because they didn't expect it to become violent' said the New South Wales community services minister, Pru Goward"

Um…I mean…your kid's sign has the word behead on it.  You don't think that could potentially lead to violence?  No?  Beheading?  You're doin great lady.

Wake Up and smell a Muslim America!

By Alison Royer

I recently tried to figure out what a Muslim is and I was surprised by my findings.  THEY'RE NOT ALL TRYING TO KILL US!  My misconceptions brought me some hope and I thought perhaps I should go on to deflate some common misperceptions about Americans!  I did a little research in order to fully understand how we are viewed by the rest of the world.  I hope that my investigation brings us one step closer to peace.

#1 Americans are fat.  Ah ha ha ha ha.  See?  This is so silly!  Stop judging the forest by the trees you crazy Muslims!  Fat?!  Ugh…I get it.  You're talking about this, this and this. Why don't you open your minds Muslims!  That's not all we're about!  As a nation, we are fit and realistic about body image.  

#2 Americans are a gun loving, violent culture.  Whoa Muslim friends!  Take it easy!  Those are big words coming from a bunch of terrorists!  Wait…sorry, that came out wrong.  Obviously you're not all terrorists.  You are a peaceful community that is misunderstood by the outside world.  Well Muslims, we are too.  We don't all love guns ok?  Quite frankly, you have nothing to back that up. 

#3 Americans are arrogant, boastful and think of themselves as "The World's Police."  HOW DARE YOU!  WE ARE FIGHTING FOR YOUR FREEDOM.  YOU'D ALL BE DEAD IF IT WASN'T FOR US!  YOU'RE WELCOME!

Phew…wow…ok, I can see that things got a little out of hand there.  But it's hard when you're FIGHTING FOR PEACE!  I just want us to be happy Muslim world!  I'm not great at relationships but I'm going to try harder.  You are important to me.  Please don't murder me and my family.  Ugh... I love you Muslims. 

Vajay's getting educated in Iran is scary to Ahmedinajad!

By Alison Royer

This is remarkable.  The rights I take for granted on a daily basis – going to college, dressing in anything that strikes my fancy, voting – are the same rights that women in Iran are fighting for. 

I desperately want to be a female advocate but truthfully I never wanted to go to college, I often think things would be easier if someone just told me what to wear every day, and quite frankly it takes everything in me to drag my ass to the voting booth once every four years.  I consistently dread participating in the rights that have been allotted to me by the women who fought for my freedom in America, years ago. 

As the women of Iran fight for equality in education, I must commend them.  I'm sure if someone told me I wasn't allowed to be an accountant, I'd be feverishly advocating its admittance.  But, being on the other side of progress, all I can think is, "Ladies!  Run for your lives!  Accounting is boring!  Just marry a rich guy and procreate!"  Man…I should run for office.  I know zillions of Iranian women who would vote for me.  I bet by then, they'll be dragging ass too.  

What's all this rage about MuslimRage?

 

By Alison Royer

Newsweek, a publication of journalistic integrity, has caused a stir with a new and controversial cover (Above). The cover is tagged with the phrase,"Muslim Rage" and the people of Twitter have spoken.   Using Newsweek's "Muslim Rage" as a hashtag, Twitterers (it's a word, get off my back) have banned together to depict the truth about the recent Muslim protests which have arisen in response to the anti-islam video.

You can't fool me Twitter.  These people seem like animals.