Psychopathic Muslim Mom in Australia!

By Alison Royer

I'm not a parent.  This is likely because a) I have difficulty tricking men into bedding me and b) years of drug and alcohol abuse have rendered my ovaries useless.  That being said, I do feel like I have a better understanding about children than this animal.  

The telegraph reported, "'A mother of a three-year-old boy [was] photographed holding a placard reading 'Behead all those who insult the prophet' during Islamic protests in Sydney."  When questioned about why this woman would bring a toddler to a protest that could potentially end in epic brutality she responded, "'that the child had been brought because they didn't expect it to become violent' said the New South Wales community services minister, Pru Goward"

Um…I mean…your kid's sign has the word behead on it.  You don't think that could potentially lead to violence?  No?  Beheading?  You're doin great lady.

Wake Up and smell a Muslim America!

By Alison Royer

I recently tried to figure out what a Muslim is and I was surprised by my findings.  THEY'RE NOT ALL TRYING TO KILL US!  My misconceptions brought me some hope and I thought perhaps I should go on to deflate some common misperceptions about Americans!  I did a little research in order to fully understand how we are viewed by the rest of the world.  I hope that my investigation brings us one step closer to peace.

#1 Americans are fat.  Ah ha ha ha ha.  See?  This is so silly!  Stop judging the forest by the trees you crazy Muslims!  Fat?!  Ugh…I get it.  You're talking about this, this and this. Why don't you open your minds Muslims!  That's not all we're about!  As a nation, we are fit and realistic about body image.  

#2 Americans are a gun loving, violent culture.  Whoa Muslim friends!  Take it easy!  Those are big words coming from a bunch of terrorists!  Wait…sorry, that came out wrong.  Obviously you're not all terrorists.  You are a peaceful community that is misunderstood by the outside world.  Well Muslims, we are too.  We don't all love guns ok?  Quite frankly, you have nothing to back that up. 

#3 Americans are arrogant, boastful and think of themselves as "The World's Police."  HOW DARE YOU!  WE ARE FIGHTING FOR YOUR FREEDOM.  YOU'D ALL BE DEAD IF IT WASN'T FOR US!  YOU'RE WELCOME!

Phew…wow…ok, I can see that things got a little out of hand there.  But it's hard when you're FIGHTING FOR PEACE!  I just want us to be happy Muslim world!  I'm not great at relationships but I'm going to try harder.  You are important to me.  Please don't murder me and my family.  Ugh... I love you Muslims. 

Vajay's getting educated in Iran is scary to Ahmedinajad!

By Alison Royer

This is remarkable.  The rights I take for granted on a daily basis – going to college, dressing in anything that strikes my fancy, voting – are the same rights that women in Iran are fighting for. 

I desperately want to be a female advocate but truthfully I never wanted to go to college, I often think things would be easier if someone just told me what to wear every day, and quite frankly it takes everything in me to drag my ass to the voting booth once every four years.  I consistently dread participating in the rights that have been allotted to me by the women who fought for my freedom in America, years ago. 

As the women of Iran fight for equality in education, I must commend them.  I'm sure if someone told me I wasn't allowed to be an accountant, I'd be feverishly advocating its admittance.  But, being on the other side of progress, all I can think is, "Ladies!  Run for your lives!  Accounting is boring!  Just marry a rich guy and procreate!"  Man…I should run for office.  I know zillions of Iranian women who would vote for me.  I bet by then, they'll be dragging ass too.  

What's all this rage about MuslimRage?

 

By Alison Royer

Newsweek, a publication of journalistic integrity, has caused a stir with a new and controversial cover (Above). The cover is tagged with the phrase,"Muslim Rage" and the people of Twitter have spoken.   Using Newsweek's "Muslim Rage" as a hashtag, Twitterers (it's a word, get off my back) have banned together to depict the truth about the recent Muslim protests which have arisen in response to the anti-islam video.

You can't fool me Twitter.  These people seem like animals.

Commit a crime and don't like the punishment? Just reject it...Iraqi style.

By Alison Royer

This is fucking awesome.  Al Jazeera reports, "Iraq's vice-president [Tareq al-Hashemi] has rejected his death sentence given by a Baghdad criminal court that found him guilty of masterminding the killing of two people."

I mean…are you allowed to just do that?  Like if I'm cruising around West Hollywood in my Daewoo and I get arrested for a D.U.I., can I just pull an al-Hashemi and be like, "I do not accept this arrest."?  Or does this only apply to murder? 

To be fair, this clown was sentenced to death by hanging and I'm not trying to be stickler or anything but this shit strikes me as reaaaallll old school.  Not only should al-Hashemi reject it, Iraq should reject it.  Two Words: Electric. Chair. 

Regardless, it sounds like democracy is totally killing it in the Middle East.  

When an old Irani man gives candy to your teenage daughter...

By Alison Royer

So here's what had happened.  An Iranian mechanic groped a 14-year-old girl in Dubai which I know sounds alarming, however, I find the real problem here to be is the plaintiff’s parenting skills. 

It all started very innocently when this random mechanic asked the 14-year-old's mother to take a picture of him with the little girl.  NO LADY!  YOU DON'T JUST ALLOW STRANGERS TO TAKE PICTURES WITH YOUR DAUGHTER!  Really?  Did that not seem at all weird to you? 

According to Gulfnews.com, "The Iranian mechanic allegedly stepped out of a shop selling sweets and herbs and asked the passing woman if he could have a photo taken with her daughter."  Oh…so you're saying that along with casual photo-ops with young girls this guy also loves to pass time AT A CANDY STORE?!  HELLO!!!!!  DON'T TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS YOU IDIOTS!  IT'S LIKE THE NUMBER ONE RULE!  Perhaps we should just extend the old adage to "Don't take candy from strangers and certainly don't allow your precious offspring to just randomly be photographed with large Iranian men who are anywhere near a store dedicated to selling sweets and herbs."

I'm furious.  Listen, this story its disgusting and you can bet your ass that a) I'm never going to Dubai and b) I'm never taking a picture anywhere with anyone ever again.   

Prince Harry: Killing women with his looks and getting soldiers killed with his presence

 By Alison Royer

 

Initially, when I read about the two U.S. Marines who were killed in Afghanistan, my first thought was, "Wait…the Afghan War? Is that still happening?"  Seriously though…9/11, arguably the impetus for the War in Afghanistan, happened over ten years ago. We haven’t managed to wrap that up yet? 

My second thought was, "Why is there a picture of Prince Harry accompanying the story of the two, deceased U.S. Marines (neither of who were Prince Harry).  Also, why is Prince Harry wearing clothes in this picture?  He’s almost unrecognizable." Turns out -- everybody’s favorite ginger is based at the military post in South Afghanistan that was attacked. 

According to the article, the Taliban has a "'high-value plan' "to attack the third-in-line to the British throne."  It’s nice to know that Prince Harry’s attempt to work among the common man has merely resulted in the common man getting killed. 

Also, how damaging could Prince Harry's death really be to the world?  I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything.  Realistically, I'd love to beat this kid at beer pong and then go streaking together but does the British Royalty even do anything these days?  I'm like 90% sure they have zero power – particularly where politics are concerned.  Based on what I've read in US Weekly, they split their time between the U.S. Open and running around naked in Vegas.  Ultimately, we should all just throw in the towel now and learn Chinese because this mother fucker is coming for us. 

Finger Puppets fingering a dictator!

By Alison Royer

Fight for your right, my darlings…  The Free Syrian Army isn’t the only one actively attempting to remove Bashar-Al-Assad from power. Al Jazeera reports, “A young acting troupe called Masasit Mati launched a ground-breaking, finger-puppet show: Top Goon: Diaries of a Little Dictator, which mocks the Syrian regime in ways never seen in public before.” 

These mother fuckers are killing it.  Unfortunately, it seems finger-puppet work can be fairly dangerous.  All these guys are living in exile.  They are constantly at risk of getting caught – thereby punished, jailed or killed.  KILLED!  FOR FINGER PUPPETS!  These actors produce the show in secret and never reveal their faces – all for the love of comedy.  They preach non-violence and have had a huge following on Facebook and YouTube.

I’m not sure if you caught the pictures of Mona masturbating with a banana to a picture of Osama Bin Laden on this site but I think it’s safe to say that shit wouldn’t fly elsewhere.  Whereas I’m using comedy in an attempt to find love in this world (PLEASE LIKE ME!), Masasit Mati is using its artistic voice to preach a non-violent message while educating through comedy.  And while typically they use all five fingers, occasionally they’re able to get their message across just by using one.       

Where is Islam located? A Non-Muslim once asked me..

By Alison Royer 

What is a Muslim?  If you’re anything like me, you’ve never asked yourself this questions prior to agreeing to write for a website entitled, “Muslims Do It Better.”  Upon getting this job, I thought I should maybe try to figure out what the hell a Muslim is.  Clearly, I had a few ideas – I mean I’m not totally stupid.

#1 Muslims Hate Jesus.  I was sure of this but decided to research it because I take my job seriously.  You will never believe this but Muslims don’t hate Jesus!  They actually regard him as a prophet.  They just think Muhammad was smarter or something.  I’m gonna be honest.  I stopped reading.  Once I found out that Muslims didn’t hate Jesus I was perplexed because it blew a lot of holes into my next theory.

#2 Muslims Hate Me And Are Trying To Kill Me.  I ran into a lot of trouble on this one because, as it turns out, there is more than one kind of Muslim.  I guess this makes sense seeing as there is more than one kind of Christian but honestly, my mind was blown.  Now I had to categorize the Muslims into a) Muslims that hate me and are trying to kill me and b) other.

#3 My Religion Is Superior To The Muslim Religion.  I was super sure of this one and fully ready to extrapolate when I came to the horrifying realization that I have no idea what religion I am.  I went to call my Grandma and then remembered that she died like three years ago rendering that bitch useless.  Of course then I started to feel bad because I don’t even know if I believe in Heaven or Hell meaning I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE MY DEAD GRANDMA IS!

Ugh…religion is confusing.  I’m determined to find out what a Muslim is.  As of right now I can tell you, unequivocally, that they don’t hate Jesus and they may or may not be with my dead grandma right now.

9/11- The day that changed the world!

By Alison Royer

I’m a black-out drinker so there’s a lot in life I don’t remember.  But I can tell you exactly where I was on September 11, 2001.  I had just awoken in my high-rise, Chicago apartment to a phone call from my then boyfriend.  His first words to me were, “Do you have any idea what’s happening in your country right now?”  I did not. 

I didn’t have a working television, at the time, and while his news sounded alarming, I couldn’t quite grasp it.  On the subway to work that morning, everything was quiet and still.  When I arrived to the office, everyone was huddled around the T.V., some people were crying and again silence permeated the room. 

I have never fought in the armed services and I can’t pretend that I had any awareness of the world-at-large prior to that day.  But on 9/11, my life changed and so did my perception.  I am now greatly aware that I live a privileged life, granted to me merely by way of being born on this continent.  I am aware that I am free to do whatever I’d like in this country.  I have freedom of sex, religion and education.  I am free to have strong opinions about what my country does and if I’d like to make changes, I am free to take actions to that affect – no matter how large or small.  Today, I’d like to acknowledge the men and women who fight for my freedom and the other citizens here and elsewhere who fight for theirs. 

When you piss a white girl off...this is what happens!

 By Alison Royer

I’m having an absolute breakdown.  I read this article in the Washington Post and several things crossed my mind.  #1 I’m a terrible person.  While these women are fervently attempting to thwart unwanted advances, I spend most days trying to get my chiropractor to touch my butt.  #2 Cairo sounds awesome.  #3 This mother fucker needs to get beat:  “Have you ever seen someone harassing a woman who is wearing a face veil?” said Ahmed Farouk, 35, who works at an advertising agency.  “Society is developing for the worse, not just the way girls dress, but also manners and behavior more generally.”  MANNERS AND BEHAVIORS?!  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME OLD MAN?!  (I’m 32, he’s old to me.)  Oh you mean like the kind of manners that would preclude you from CHASING A WOMAN DOWN THE STREET, STRIPPING HER NAKED AND THEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTING HER?!  Ugh…you’re totally right.  Manners and behavior sure aren’t what they used to be.  This son-of-a…a face veil?!  Really Farouk?  Are you suggesting that if a woman isn’t covered head-to-toe with cloth, face included, she deserves to be harassed?  Hmmm….it’s interesting because the article goes on to say, “In fact, many women say that those who wear the niqab — the head-to-toe black garment that leaves only a slit for the eyes — are subject to the same whistles and grabs.  OH ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?!  Ya know it’s weird because it seems like the problem here isn’t women or what they wear.  It seems like maybe the problem is THE ZILLIONS OF BARBARIANS WHO ARE TRYING TO SEXUALLY DOMINATE WOMEN IN A PUBLIC SETTING!  Keep your dick in your pants Farouk…I’m comin’ for ya.  

Check this...

When a non-muslim white girl writes for Muslimsdoitbetter.com

After much contemplation to find a blogger who understands the meaning of being funny and muslim, I decided to hire a non-muslim female blogger named Alison Royer originally from Chicago, who is funny, white and loves her caffeine-to be my new partner in crime. I'm sure you're gonna love her. Below is her first blog. Let's hear your thoughts.

A muslim woman in Tennessee, Amal Ahmed Abdullahi, was arrested for attempted terrorism on Friday.  According to reports, Abdullahi had a casual chat with her co-worker and said, “her people were dying for Allah every day; that she was ready to die for Allah; that this whole country will be Muslim soon; that this country is full of non-believers and that this place (her work place) is full of non-believers; that all unbelievers should die; that her life starts after death; that her life is not here, nobody pays attention to her and she should pick up a gun and shoot all these people.”

Oh boy…let’s try to pump the breaks on the gun talk shall we A-town?  Listen, I’m not trying to make light of this situation or anything but it sounds like maybe Triple A was just having a wicked bad day.  I’m not totally sure what “attempted terrorism” is but if it’s yelling at people for not paying enough attention to you, it’s possible that I’ve recently committed a class A felony. 

Listen we all have bad days.  Twenty bucks says this bitch is going through a nasty breakup.  Ya know what I did on Friday?  I repeatedly screamed at my boss to get back in his office, I berated him for underpaying me and while I didn’t say I’d shoot him necessarily, I did mention, in passing, that I wished he was dead.  Seemingly, the only difference between me and A squared is that a) I don’t wear a hijab b) no major groups have been organized in an attempt to stop me and those like me and c) I’m super white, once again proving that if you don’t want to be arrested for being lippy, you should think about changing your skin color. 

Read on....