Commit a crime and don't like the punishment? Just reject it...Iraqi style.

By Alison Royer

This is fucking awesome.  Al Jazeera reports, "Iraq's vice-president [Tareq al-Hashemi] has rejected his death sentence given by a Baghdad criminal court that found him guilty of masterminding the killing of two people."

I mean…are you allowed to just do that?  Like if I'm cruising around West Hollywood in my Daewoo and I get arrested for a D.U.I., can I just pull an al-Hashemi and be like, "I do not accept this arrest."?  Or does this only apply to murder? 

To be fair, this clown was sentenced to death by hanging and I'm not trying to be stickler or anything but this shit strikes me as reaaaallll old school.  Not only should al-Hashemi reject it, Iraq should reject it.  Two Words: Electric. Chair. 

Regardless, it sounds like democracy is totally killing it in the Middle East.  

When an old Irani man gives candy to your teenage daughter...

By Alison Royer

So here's what had happened.  An Iranian mechanic groped a 14-year-old girl in Dubai which I know sounds alarming, however, I find the real problem here to be is the plaintiff’s parenting skills. 

It all started very innocently when this random mechanic asked the 14-year-old's mother to take a picture of him with the little girl.  NO LADY!  YOU DON'T JUST ALLOW STRANGERS TO TAKE PICTURES WITH YOUR DAUGHTER!  Really?  Did that not seem at all weird to you? 

According to Gulfnews.com, "The Iranian mechanic allegedly stepped out of a shop selling sweets and herbs and asked the passing woman if he could have a photo taken with her daughter."  Oh…so you're saying that along with casual photo-ops with young girls this guy also loves to pass time AT A CANDY STORE?!  HELLO!!!!!  DON'T TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS YOU IDIOTS!  IT'S LIKE THE NUMBER ONE RULE!  Perhaps we should just extend the old adage to "Don't take candy from strangers and certainly don't allow your precious offspring to just randomly be photographed with large Iranian men who are anywhere near a store dedicated to selling sweets and herbs."

I'm furious.  Listen, this story its disgusting and you can bet your ass that a) I'm never going to Dubai and b) I'm never taking a picture anywhere with anyone ever again.   

Prince Harry: Killing women with his looks and getting soldiers killed with his presence

 By Alison Royer

 

Initially, when I read about the two U.S. Marines who were killed in Afghanistan, my first thought was, "Wait…the Afghan War? Is that still happening?"  Seriously though…9/11, arguably the impetus for the War in Afghanistan, happened over ten years ago. We haven’t managed to wrap that up yet? 

My second thought was, "Why is there a picture of Prince Harry accompanying the story of the two, deceased U.S. Marines (neither of who were Prince Harry).  Also, why is Prince Harry wearing clothes in this picture?  He’s almost unrecognizable." Turns out -- everybody’s favorite ginger is based at the military post in South Afghanistan that was attacked. 

According to the article, the Taliban has a "'high-value plan' "to attack the third-in-line to the British throne."  It’s nice to know that Prince Harry’s attempt to work among the common man has merely resulted in the common man getting killed. 

Also, how damaging could Prince Harry's death really be to the world?  I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything.  Realistically, I'd love to beat this kid at beer pong and then go streaking together but does the British Royalty even do anything these days?  I'm like 90% sure they have zero power – particularly where politics are concerned.  Based on what I've read in US Weekly, they split their time between the U.S. Open and running around naked in Vegas.  Ultimately, we should all just throw in the towel now and learn Chinese because this mother fucker is coming for us. 

Finger Puppets fingering a dictator!

By Alison Royer

Fight for your right, my darlings…  The Free Syrian Army isn’t the only one actively attempting to remove Bashar-Al-Assad from power. Al Jazeera reports, “A young acting troupe called Masasit Mati launched a ground-breaking, finger-puppet show: Top Goon: Diaries of a Little Dictator, which mocks the Syrian regime in ways never seen in public before.” 

These mother fuckers are killing it.  Unfortunately, it seems finger-puppet work can be fairly dangerous.  All these guys are living in exile.  They are constantly at risk of getting caught – thereby punished, jailed or killed.  KILLED!  FOR FINGER PUPPETS!  These actors produce the show in secret and never reveal their faces – all for the love of comedy.  They preach non-violence and have had a huge following on Facebook and YouTube.

I’m not sure if you caught the pictures of Mona masturbating with a banana to a picture of Osama Bin Laden on this site but I think it’s safe to say that shit wouldn’t fly elsewhere.  Whereas I’m using comedy in an attempt to find love in this world (PLEASE LIKE ME!), Masasit Mati is using its artistic voice to preach a non-violent message while educating through comedy.  And while typically they use all five fingers, occasionally they’re able to get their message across just by using one.       

Where is Islam located? A Non-Muslim once asked me..

By Alison Royer 

What is a Muslim?  If you’re anything like me, you’ve never asked yourself this questions prior to agreeing to write for a website entitled, “Muslims Do It Better.”  Upon getting this job, I thought I should maybe try to figure out what the hell a Muslim is.  Clearly, I had a few ideas – I mean I’m not totally stupid.

#1 Muslims Hate Jesus.  I was sure of this but decided to research it because I take my job seriously.  You will never believe this but Muslims don’t hate Jesus!  They actually regard him as a prophet.  They just think Muhammad was smarter or something.  I’m gonna be honest.  I stopped reading.  Once I found out that Muslims didn’t hate Jesus I was perplexed because it blew a lot of holes into my next theory.

#2 Muslims Hate Me And Are Trying To Kill Me.  I ran into a lot of trouble on this one because, as it turns out, there is more than one kind of Muslim.  I guess this makes sense seeing as there is more than one kind of Christian but honestly, my mind was blown.  Now I had to categorize the Muslims into a) Muslims that hate me and are trying to kill me and b) other.

#3 My Religion Is Superior To The Muslim Religion.  I was super sure of this one and fully ready to extrapolate when I came to the horrifying realization that I have no idea what religion I am.  I went to call my Grandma and then remembered that she died like three years ago rendering that bitch useless.  Of course then I started to feel bad because I don’t even know if I believe in Heaven or Hell meaning I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE MY DEAD GRANDMA IS!

Ugh…religion is confusing.  I’m determined to find out what a Muslim is.  As of right now I can tell you, unequivocally, that they don’t hate Jesus and they may or may not be with my dead grandma right now.

9/11- The day that changed the world!

By Alison Royer

I’m a black-out drinker so there’s a lot in life I don’t remember.  But I can tell you exactly where I was on September 11, 2001.  I had just awoken in my high-rise, Chicago apartment to a phone call from my then boyfriend.  His first words to me were, “Do you have any idea what’s happening in your country right now?”  I did not. 

I didn’t have a working television, at the time, and while his news sounded alarming, I couldn’t quite grasp it.  On the subway to work that morning, everything was quiet and still.  When I arrived to the office, everyone was huddled around the T.V., some people were crying and again silence permeated the room. 

I have never fought in the armed services and I can’t pretend that I had any awareness of the world-at-large prior to that day.  But on 9/11, my life changed and so did my perception.  I am now greatly aware that I live a privileged life, granted to me merely by way of being born on this continent.  I am aware that I am free to do whatever I’d like in this country.  I have freedom of sex, religion and education.  I am free to have strong opinions about what my country does and if I’d like to make changes, I am free to take actions to that affect – no matter how large or small.  Today, I’d like to acknowledge the men and women who fight for my freedom and the other citizens here and elsewhere who fight for theirs. 

When you piss a white girl off...this is what happens!

 By Alison Royer

I’m having an absolute breakdown.  I read this article in the Washington Post and several things crossed my mind.  #1 I’m a terrible person.  While these women are fervently attempting to thwart unwanted advances, I spend most days trying to get my chiropractor to touch my butt.  #2 Cairo sounds awesome.  #3 This mother fucker needs to get beat:  “Have you ever seen someone harassing a woman who is wearing a face veil?” said Ahmed Farouk, 35, who works at an advertising agency.  “Society is developing for the worse, not just the way girls dress, but also manners and behavior more generally.”  MANNERS AND BEHAVIORS?!  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME OLD MAN?!  (I’m 32, he’s old to me.)  Oh you mean like the kind of manners that would preclude you from CHASING A WOMAN DOWN THE STREET, STRIPPING HER NAKED AND THEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTING HER?!  Ugh…you’re totally right.  Manners and behavior sure aren’t what they used to be.  This son-of-a…a face veil?!  Really Farouk?  Are you suggesting that if a woman isn’t covered head-to-toe with cloth, face included, she deserves to be harassed?  Hmmm….it’s interesting because the article goes on to say, “In fact, many women say that those who wear the niqab — the head-to-toe black garment that leaves only a slit for the eyes — are subject to the same whistles and grabs.  OH ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?!  Ya know it’s weird because it seems like the problem here isn’t women or what they wear.  It seems like maybe the problem is THE ZILLIONS OF BARBARIANS WHO ARE TRYING TO SEXUALLY DOMINATE WOMEN IN A PUBLIC SETTING!  Keep your dick in your pants Farouk…I’m comin’ for ya.  

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