Finger Puppets fingering a dictator!

By Alison Royer

Fight for your right, my darlings…  The Free Syrian Army isn’t the only one actively attempting to remove Bashar-Al-Assad from power. Al Jazeera reports, “A young acting troupe called Masasit Mati launched a ground-breaking, finger-puppet show: Top Goon: Diaries of a Little Dictator, which mocks the Syrian regime in ways never seen in public before.” 

These mother fuckers are killing it.  Unfortunately, it seems finger-puppet work can be fairly dangerous.  All these guys are living in exile.  They are constantly at risk of getting caught – thereby punished, jailed or killed.  KILLED!  FOR FINGER PUPPETS!  These actors produce the show in secret and never reveal their faces – all for the love of comedy.  They preach non-violence and have had a huge following on Facebook and YouTube.

I’m not sure if you caught the pictures of Mona masturbating with a banana to a picture of Osama Bin Laden on this site but I think it’s safe to say that shit wouldn’t fly elsewhere.  Whereas I’m using comedy in an attempt to find love in this world (PLEASE LIKE ME!), Masasit Mati is using its artistic voice to preach a non-violent message while educating through comedy.  And while typically they use all five fingers, occasionally they’re able to get their message across just by using one.       

Where is Islam located? A Non-Muslim once asked me..

By Alison Royer 

What is a Muslim?  If you’re anything like me, you’ve never asked yourself this questions prior to agreeing to write for a website entitled, “Muslims Do It Better.”  Upon getting this job, I thought I should maybe try to figure out what the hell a Muslim is.  Clearly, I had a few ideas – I mean I’m not totally stupid.

#1 Muslims Hate Jesus.  I was sure of this but decided to research it because I take my job seriously.  You will never believe this but Muslims don’t hate Jesus!  They actually regard him as a prophet.  They just think Muhammad was smarter or something.  I’m gonna be honest.  I stopped reading.  Once I found out that Muslims didn’t hate Jesus I was perplexed because it blew a lot of holes into my next theory.

#2 Muslims Hate Me And Are Trying To Kill Me.  I ran into a lot of trouble on this one because, as it turns out, there is more than one kind of Muslim.  I guess this makes sense seeing as there is more than one kind of Christian but honestly, my mind was blown.  Now I had to categorize the Muslims into a) Muslims that hate me and are trying to kill me and b) other.

#3 My Religion Is Superior To The Muslim Religion.  I was super sure of this one and fully ready to extrapolate when I came to the horrifying realization that I have no idea what religion I am.  I went to call my Grandma and then remembered that she died like three years ago rendering that bitch useless.  Of course then I started to feel bad because I don’t even know if I believe in Heaven or Hell meaning I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE MY DEAD GRANDMA IS!

Ugh…religion is confusing.  I’m determined to find out what a Muslim is.  As of right now I can tell you, unequivocally, that they don’t hate Jesus and they may or may not be with my dead grandma right now.

9/11- The day that changed the world!

By Alison Royer

I’m a black-out drinker so there’s a lot in life I don’t remember.  But I can tell you exactly where I was on September 11, 2001.  I had just awoken in my high-rise, Chicago apartment to a phone call from my then boyfriend.  His first words to me were, “Do you have any idea what’s happening in your country right now?”  I did not. 

I didn’t have a working television, at the time, and while his news sounded alarming, I couldn’t quite grasp it.  On the subway to work that morning, everything was quiet and still.  When I arrived to the office, everyone was huddled around the T.V., some people were crying and again silence permeated the room. 

I have never fought in the armed services and I can’t pretend that I had any awareness of the world-at-large prior to that day.  But on 9/11, my life changed and so did my perception.  I am now greatly aware that I live a privileged life, granted to me merely by way of being born on this continent.  I am aware that I am free to do whatever I’d like in this country.  I have freedom of sex, religion and education.  I am free to have strong opinions about what my country does and if I’d like to make changes, I am free to take actions to that affect – no matter how large or small.  Today, I’d like to acknowledge the men and women who fight for my freedom and the other citizens here and elsewhere who fight for theirs. 

When you piss a white girl off...this is what happens!

 By Alison Royer

I’m having an absolute breakdown.  I read this article in the Washington Post and several things crossed my mind.  #1 I’m a terrible person.  While these women are fervently attempting to thwart unwanted advances, I spend most days trying to get my chiropractor to touch my butt.  #2 Cairo sounds awesome.  #3 This mother fucker needs to get beat:  “Have you ever seen someone harassing a woman who is wearing a face veil?” said Ahmed Farouk, 35, who works at an advertising agency.  “Society is developing for the worse, not just the way girls dress, but also manners and behavior more generally.”  MANNERS AND BEHAVIORS?!  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME OLD MAN?!  (I’m 32, he’s old to me.)  Oh you mean like the kind of manners that would preclude you from CHASING A WOMAN DOWN THE STREET, STRIPPING HER NAKED AND THEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTING HER?!  Ugh…you’re totally right.  Manners and behavior sure aren’t what they used to be.  This son-of-a…a face veil?!  Really Farouk?  Are you suggesting that if a woman isn’t covered head-to-toe with cloth, face included, she deserves to be harassed?  Hmmm….it’s interesting because the article goes on to say, “In fact, many women say that those who wear the niqab — the head-to-toe black garment that leaves only a slit for the eyes — are subject to the same whistles and grabs.  OH ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?!  Ya know it’s weird because it seems like the problem here isn’t women or what they wear.  It seems like maybe the problem is THE ZILLIONS OF BARBARIANS WHO ARE TRYING TO SEXUALLY DOMINATE WOMEN IN A PUBLIC SETTING!  Keep your dick in your pants Farouk…I’m comin’ for ya.  

Check this...

When a non-muslim white girl writes for Muslimsdoitbetter.com

After much contemplation to find a blogger who understands the meaning of being funny and muslim, I decided to hire a non-muslim female blogger named Alison Royer originally from Chicago, who is funny, white and loves her caffeine-to be my new partner in crime. I'm sure you're gonna love her. Below is her first blog. Let's hear your thoughts.

A muslim woman in Tennessee, Amal Ahmed Abdullahi, was arrested for attempted terrorism on Friday.  According to reports, Abdullahi had a casual chat with her co-worker and said, “her people were dying for Allah every day; that she was ready to die for Allah; that this whole country will be Muslim soon; that this country is full of non-believers and that this place (her work place) is full of non-believers; that all unbelievers should die; that her life starts after death; that her life is not here, nobody pays attention to her and she should pick up a gun and shoot all these people.”

Oh boy…let’s try to pump the breaks on the gun talk shall we A-town?  Listen, I’m not trying to make light of this situation or anything but it sounds like maybe Triple A was just having a wicked bad day.  I’m not totally sure what “attempted terrorism” is but if it’s yelling at people for not paying enough attention to you, it’s possible that I’ve recently committed a class A felony. 

Listen we all have bad days.  Twenty bucks says this bitch is going through a nasty breakup.  Ya know what I did on Friday?  I repeatedly screamed at my boss to get back in his office, I berated him for underpaying me and while I didn’t say I’d shoot him necessarily, I did mention, in passing, that I wished he was dead.  Seemingly, the only difference between me and A squared is that a) I don’t wear a hijab b) no major groups have been organized in an attempt to stop me and those like me and c) I’m super white, once again proving that if you don’t want to be arrested for being lippy, you should think about changing your skin color. 

Read on....

Muslim intolerance welcomed, everybody else Shut the F up!

The horrid level of ignorance and intolerance in Pakistan by Muslims against Christians and any other faith is truly gut wrenching. Recently in the news an 11 year old Pakistani Christian girl with Down Syndrome, Rimsha Masih, was snatched away from her parents for "allegedly" burning some pages of the Koran. This anti-blasphemous law in Pakistan needs to go because it is..what's the word.....Medieval! Anytime a Muslim person feels the urge to get a non-Muslim punished due to whatever prejudices this one person holds against them , this stupid law comes in super handy. This claim makes absolutely no sense. I understand that as a Muslim I find ANY religious book burned offensive let alone the Koran but to jail a poor mentally unstable child for such a dubious claim is repulsive. Even if this poor kid did do it...she is mentally unstable and clearly has no idea what she's doing! By default she's innocent.

Any Muslim who has read the Koran knows that the verses of the Koran opens with Bismillah Al Rahman Al Raheem (I begin in the name of Allah, the most merciful and the most compassionate). Where is the compassion my fellow Muslims?

Sounds to me like the accuser, Alsyed Muhammad Ummad, has some pretty shady reasons to get this poor girl in trouble, I have a hard time considering this man a human being let alone a Muslim. This whole situation is like a hooker accusing a nun of prostitution..how much water does that hold?

Read this monstrosity and sign the petition to free this young girl.

So this savage walks into an Israeli bar.....

A dear friend of mine sent me an article which at first puzzled me but the more I thought about it the more I realized that this "ad" could be anti-muslim. The ad reads as follows on the side of a San Francisco Public Transportation bus: " In any war between the civilized man and the savage, support the civilized man. Support Israel. Defeat Jihad".

Now I'm all for the civilized man but what I'm weirded out by is the use of the word Jihad. As we all know the muslim extremists love to use the word Jihad (holy war) against the west and Israel but what this ad fails to be clear on is that the word Jihad not only means holy war but also the struggle to be a better human being. Most muslims DO NOT believe in killing non-muslims and nor do they believe that they should be killed, punished, demonized, be known for watching lots of porn or have their religion be butchered on the side of a public transportation bus because a handful of crazy folks represent them falsely and seem to have better PR. Besides the extremists consider the Muslims living abroad non-believers as well so they have claimed Jihad against Muslims like myself as well. The San Francisco's Municipal Transportation Agency has a policy against running political ads just like New York City does but the pro-Israel ad purchased by the American Freedom Defense Initiative run by Pamela Geller was allowed to be displayed.

I believe in freedom of speech but this kind of ad comes across more like a hate rant than anything. If Pam Geller wishes to be on the side of the civilized man then she should educate herself of on the true meaning of Jihad. This is not a war of religions but a war of idelogies. As a civilized muslim, I have no desire for Jihad against anyone but the only Jihad I do is when I go to Crumb cupcakes and struggle to not stuff my face with all those sweets! The next day my mind and body are doing a Jihad against each other if I should go to the gym or not....well, you get the point!

This ad is like a UN peace envoy with a rocket launcher!